SUE’S AFTER DARK DIARIES| EPISODE 49

The Rabbit Mark Thought Dan Needed

Apparently, Sharon Was Minding Her Own Business

I wasn’t there for this part.

I heard about it afterwards, mostly from Sharon and partly from Mark, whose versions differ in several suspicious places.

According to Sharon, she was innocently leaving our apartment block one afternoon when she bumped into Mark.

I don’t believe the innocently part.

Sharon has never minded her own business long enough to qualify.

Apparently, she looked him up and down and said:

“Fully dressed today, I see.”

Of course she did.

After the little towel incident during the wrongly delivered parcel fiasco, Sharon had apparently decided Mark’s clothing choices were now a legitimate topic of conversation.

Mark, being Mark, wasn’t remotely embarrassed.

“Disappointed?”

“Not personally.”

Then, according to Sharon, she added:

“I can’t speak for Sue.”

I wasn’t there to defend myself.

Not that Sharon has ever required my presence to discuss my sex life.

Then Mark Asked About Adult Toys

They chatted for a couple of minutes.

Normal things at first.

How are you?

Haven’t seen you for ages.

How’s Sue?

That sort of thing.

Then Mark apparently remembered something from our parcel adventure.

“You still review adult toys?”

This was Sharon’s opportunity to say no and keep walking.

Instead:

“Occasionally. Why?”

And just like that, my best friend became an accessory.

“I want to buy Sue something.”

According to Sharon, she smiled.

Again, I’m fairly certain that’s an understatement.

“What sort of something?”

“Something fun.”

“Flowers can be fun.”

Mark apparently gave her a look.

“All right,” Sharon said. “Not flowers.”

Good to know they had me figured out.

Mark Thought Dan Needed A Friend

Eventually Mark told her what he had in mind.

“I thought Sue and Dan could do with a friend.”

Sharon laughed.

Apparently quite loudly.

“You want to buy Dan a friend?”

“I’m buying Sue a present.”

“But Dan has to share her?”

“He’ll cope.”

Oh, really?

Mark should know better.

He and Dan have history.

Quite a bit of history, actually.

There was a time when Mark and I saw each other regularly, and Dan occasionally found himself involved in proceedings.

Sometimes intentionally.

Sometimes because variety is good for a relationship.

Dan and Mark are therefore considerably better acquainted than most men are with a woman’s vibrator.

Mark calls Dan jealous.

I prefer loyal.

Sharon Wanted To Know His Intentions

This next bit Sharon seemed particularly pleased with when she told me.

Apparently she folded her arms and asked:

“Is this a present for Sue, or is this a present for you?”

Mark laughed.

“Sue.”

“Definitely?”

“Yes.”

“So you don’t expect to be involved?”

“I didn’t say that.”

Aha.

“But you’re not buying it because you expect to be?”

“No.”

That part I believe.

Mark and I haven’t worked like that for a long time.

Once upon a time, we were regular.

Very regular.

Then somewhere along the way, we discovered we were actually rather good at being friends.

These days we can meet for coffee, have dinner, sit talking rubbish for three hours and go our separate ways.

Sometimes we don’t.

There are no expectations.

Occasionally one look leads to another, somebody gets too close, and our excellent friendship temporarily misplaces its clothing.

It works for us.

Then Sharon Started Asking Questions

“What does she already have?”

“Sharon.”

“I’m being professional.”

“You’re enjoying yourself.”

“Both can be true.”

Then Sharon asked whether he wanted something similar to Dan.

“No.”

Good answer.

Dan is Dan.

There is only one.

Although, given his habit of switching himself on at inappropriate moments, sometimes one is quite enough.

Mark wanted something different.

Something Sue could enjoy alone.

Something she could enjoy with somebody else.

And something fun rather than frightening.

Apparently something that wasn’t going to require an instruction manual the size of the Yellow Pages.

That’s when Sharon remembered the rabbit.

The Purple Rabbit Entered The Conversation

“There is something.”

Mark waited.

“A rabbit.”

“A real one?”

Sharon claims she stared at him for several seconds.

“Of course a real one, Mark. I’m suggesting Sue keeps livestock in her bedroom.”

“You never know with you.”

“Purple. Soft jelly feel. Rabbit ears.”

Then Sharon mentioned the feature she really should have kept to herself.

“Separate controller.”

Apparently, Mark went quiet.

Oh dear.

“What does the controller do?” he asked.

“Controls it.”

“Helpful.”

“Different settings. Different speeds.”

Another pause.

Then:

“That one.”

“I haven’t finished.”

“You don’t need to.”

According to Sharon, that’s when she realised she might have made a mistake.

Utter rubbish.

She was probably already wondering how long she’d have to wait before asking me what happened.

Meanwhile, I Knew Nothing

While those two were apparently reorganising my intimate life in the communal entrance, I was upstairs doing something considerably less exciting.

Working.

Benji was asleep nearby.

My coffee had gone cold.

And Dan was tucked away safely in the bedroom.

I hadn’t seen Mark since the parcel incident.

We’d exchanged a few messages. A little flirting, a couple of cheeky comments, nothing unusual for us.

Enough to remind me the chemistry was still there, but not enough to make me think anything was about to happen.

Then my phone pinged.

Mark.

You home tomorrow evening?

I looked at the message.

Perfectly innocent.

Probably.

Depends.

His reply came quickly.

On?

Why you’re asking.

Three dots appeared.

I’ve got something for you.

Oh.

Well.

That’s different.

Of Course I Told Sharon

Sharon came round later.

I mentioned Mark’s message.

Casually.

Or at least I thought casually.

“Mark’s coming round tomorrow.”

Sharon took a sip of coffee.

“Lovely.”

I looked at her.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Hmm.

“He says he’s got something for me.”

“Maybe he has.”

I stared at her.

She reached for a biscuit.

“Do you know something?”

“No.”

Far too quick.

“Sharon.”

“Sue.”

“What have you done?”

“Why does everybody assume I’ve done something?”

“Experience.”

She bit into her biscuit and looked completely innocent.

Which was when I should have known she was guilty.

Mark Arrived Wearing Clothes

The following evening, there was a knock at my door.

Mark.

And yes, I checked.

Fully dressed.

Jeans, shirt, shoes. Everything covered.

A definite improvement for communal decency.

A slight disappointment personally.

“Hello.”

“Hello.”

His eyes travelled over me for just long enough to tell me he’d noticed I’d made an effort.

Not a huge effort.

Jeans and a cream top.

Hair down.

A little perfume.

Nothing that said I’ve been wondering whether you’re going to kiss me.

At least I hoped not.

Benji appeared beside my legs.

Mark looked down.

“Still stealing men’s underwear?”

Benji wagged his tail.

“He’s reformed.”

“I don’t trust him.”

“Neither do I.”

Then Mark Gave Me A Present

We had coffee.

We talked.

We laughed.

Nobody removed anything.

See?

Growth.

After a while, Mark picked up the small bag he’d brought with him and placed a wrapped box in front of me.

“For you.”

I looked at it.

“What have you done?”

“Why do people keep asking me that?”

“Your face.”

“Open it.”

I removed the paper.

Then opened the box.

And there he was.

Purple, soft and sporting two long rabbit ears.

He also had a little face that looked far too innocent for something with such an obvious purpose in life.

I stared.

Then I looked at Mark.

Then back at the rabbit.

“You bought me a vibrator.”

“Technically, I bought you a rabbit.”

“That’s not going in a hutch.”

“I’d hope not.”

I picked him up.

Soft jelly.

Squishy.

Very purple.

I couldn’t help smiling.

“You like him.”

“I haven’t decided.”

“You’re smiling.”

“I’m being polite.”

“To a vibrator?”

“Don’t judge me.”

Then I Found The Controller

There was something else in the box.

Purple again.

A little wired controller.

I picked it up.

Then looked at Mark.

He tried to look innocent.

He isn’t nearly as good at it as Sharon.

“What’s this?”

“Controller.”

“I can see that.”

I looked from the controller to the rabbit.

Then back at Mark.

“Why did you choose one with a controller?”

“No particular reason.”

Liar.

I narrowed my eyes.

And then something clicked.

Not the controller.

My brain.

“You spoke to Sharon.”

His mouth twitched.

“You spoke to Sharon!”

“She was very helpful.”

“You asked my best friend to help you buy me a vibrator?”

“I sought specialist advice.”

“You discussed my sex toys with Sharon.”

“That sounds less professional.”

I put my head in my hands.

My Best Friend Had Armed Him

Suddenly Sharon’s suspicious behaviour made complete sense.

The biscuit.

The innocent face.

Lovely.

That woman knew.

Worse, she’d recommended the bloody thing.

“The controller was her idea, wasn’t it?”

Mark smiled.

“Possibly.”

I pointed at him.

“You stay there.”

“Where are you going?”

“Nowhere. I’m considering whether friendship with Sharon is still viable.”

“It was a good recommendation.”

“You haven’t tried it.”

“Neither have you.”

Then Mark smiled.

Not his ordinary smile.

Oh.

That one.

The one I know rather well.

“Behave.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“Your face did.”

Good grief.

I was starting to sound like Sharon.

Dan Needed To Meet The New Arrival

Mark took another sip of coffee.

“So where’s Dan?”

I looked at him.

“Don’t start.”

“I bought him a friend.”

“You bought me a present.”

“That’s not how Dan’s going to see it.”

“Dan is perfectly secure.”

Mark laughed.

“Sue, I’ve met Dan.”

“So?”

“He’s possessive.”

“He likes routine.”

“He buzzed the last time I was here.”

“You were distracting me.”

“My point exactly.”

I picked up the rabbit and headed towards the bedroom.

Mark followed.

Not for any particular reason.

At least that’s what I told myself.

Things Became Ridiculous Quite Quickly

I opened the drawer.

There he was.

Old faithful.

Pink.

Familiar.

Dan.

I took him out and placed him on the bed.

Then I put the purple rabbit beside him.

Mark leaned against the doorframe.

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“Aren’t you introducing them?”

I stared at him.

He waited.

The problem with Mark is that he knows me.

Eventually, I sighed.

“Dan, this is…”

I stopped.

Mark waited.

“Oh.”

“What?”

“He hasn’t got a name.”

“You’ve owned him twenty minutes.”

“I can’t call him Purple Rabbit.”

“Why not?”

“Because that’s ridiculous.”

Mark looked at Dan.

Then at me.

Then at the purple vibrator sitting beside him.

“Yes. Let’s avoid ridiculous.”

We Named Him Rupert

You wouldn’t think naming a vibrator would be difficult.

You’d be wrong.

Mark suggested Dave.

No.

Nigel.

Absolutely not.

Roger.

“That’s Sharon’s.”

He stared at me.

“Of course Sharon’s vibrator has a name.”

“Roger’s been around for years.”

“I don’t know why I’m surprised.”

Then Mark suggested Rupert.

I looked at the purple rabbit.

Actually…

“Rupert.”

“No.”

“You suggested it.”

“I’ve changed my mind.”

“He looks like a Rupert.”

“He looks like a purple sex toy.”

“Don’t say that in front of Dan.”

Mark laughed.

And just like that, Rupert joined the family.

I moved him slightly closer to Dan.

Then changed my mind and moved him further away.

Best not to rush these things.

Mark Wanted To Test The Controller

He picked it up.

“Don’t.”

“I haven’t done anything.”

“You’re going to.”

“How do you know?”

“I know you.”

He pressed the button.

Rupert buzzed.

I jumped.

Mark laughed.

“Oh, very funny.”

“Works.”

“I’d gathered that.”

He changed the setting.

Rupert buzzed more enthusiastically.

I snatched the controller.

“Enough.”

“I’m testing your present.”

“You’ve tested it.”

“Only two settings.”

“Mark.”

“Sue.”

Our eyes met.

There it was again.

That feeling.

The one that occasionally reminds us why being just friends has always required the word just to do an awful lot of work.

Apparently, Dan Objected

I put the controller on the bed.

Mark sat beside it.

I reached across him to move Rupert.

He moved at exactly the same time.

His hand brushed my waist.

Mine landed on his shoulder.

Neither of us seemed particularly interested in moving.

“Oh,” I said.

“Hello.”

“Don’t.”

“Still haven’t done anything.”

“You’re thinking about it.”

“So are you.”

Annoyingly, he was right.

Then:

BZZZZZZZZ.

We both froze.

I looked down.

Dan.

Mark burst out laughing.

“Oh, for God’s sake.”

“I told you.”

“You told me what?”

“He’s jealous.”

“He is not jealous.”

BZZZZZZZZ.

I grabbed Dan and found the switch.

“Stop it.”

Mark was laughing harder now.

“He knows.”

“He knows nothing. I knocked his button.”

“Of course you did.”

I switched Dan off.

“And you can stop encouraging him.”

“Me?”

“He’s never this badly behaved when we’re alone.”

Mark stared at me.

“You’ve just told your vibrator off.”

“He embarrassed me.”

“He’s protecting his interests.”

I shouldn’t have laughed.

I did.

Then Sharon Rang The Doorbell

Just as things were becoming interesting, the doorbell rang.

Of course it did.

I looked towards the hall.

Mark looked at me.

“Expecting somebody?”

“No.”

That meant one thing.

Sharon.

I headed for the door.

Behind me, Mark stayed in the bedroom with Dan, Rupert and the controller.

In hindsight, perhaps I shouldn’t have left them unsupervised.

I opened the door.

Blonde.

Smiling.

Guilty.

“Hello.”

“Hello.”

Her eyes searched my face.

I folded my arms.

“You.”

“Oh dear.”

“You recommended a controller.”

Her mouth twitched.

“I recommended a rabbit.”

“With a controller.”

“Well, yes.”

“You armed Mark.”

Now she laughed.

“Do you like it?”

“That’s not the point.”

“So you do.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You didn’t need to.”

From somewhere behind me, Mark called:

“She named him Rupert.”

Sharon’s eyebrows shot up.

I slowly turned my head towards the bedroom.

“Nobody asked you.”

“Just helping.”

Sharon Was Far Too Pleased

“Rupert?”

“Don’t.”

“Dan and Rupert?”

“Sharon.”

She was trying not to laugh.

Badly.

“I think it’s sweet.”

“They’re vibrators, not Labradors.”

“You’re the one naming them.”

Fair point.

I wasn’t giving her the satisfaction.

Then a buzzing noise came from the bedroom.

Sharon looked past me.

“Was that Dan?”

Mark called back:

“No. Rupert.”

A second buzz immediately followed.

Mark again:

“That’s Dan.”

Sharon folded in half laughing.

I closed my eyes.

“This is my life.”

“You love your life.”

Unfortunately, she was right.

Sharon Wanted A Review

Once she’d recovered, Sharon straightened up.

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“What do you think of him?”

“I’ve owned him less than an hour.”

“First impressions.”

“Purple.”

“Helpful.”

“Soft.”

“Better.”

“Annoying.”

“That’s Mark.”

From the bedroom:

“I can still hear you.”

“Good.”

Sharon grinned.

“Let me know how Rupert performs.”

“Goodbye, Sharon.”

“I was being professional.”

“Goodbye.”

“Four settings.”

“OUT.”

She was still laughing when I closed the door.

I leaned against it.

Benji was sitting in the hallway watching me.

“Don’t you start.”

He tilted his head.

At least one male in my life knew when to keep quiet.

Then It Was Just Me And Mark

I walked back towards the bedroom.

Mark was sitting on the edge of the bed with Dan on one side, Rupert on the other and the purple controller in his hand.

I stopped in the doorway.

Honestly.

He looked far too pleased with himself.

“Why have you got that?”

“Sharon said four settings.”

“I heard her.”

“I thought we should check.”

“We?”

He looked at me.

I looked at him.

There are moments when Mark and I are simply friends.

This wasn’t feeling like one of them.

“Give it to me.”

“Come and get it.”

Oh.

There you are.

Naughty Sue.

About bloody time.

I Probably Should Have Taken The Controller

I walked towards him.

Mark held it out.

I reached.

He moved it away.

“Really?”

“What?”

“You’re forty-something, not twelve.”

“So are you.”

“I wasn’t playing.”

“Neither was I.”

That changed things.

His voice had softened.

The smile was still there, but something underneath it wasn’t joking anymore.

I stopped between his knees.

Mark looked up at me.

Neither of us said anything.

We didn’t need to.

We’ve known each other too long.

I took the controller from his hand.

Then deliberately put it behind me on the bed.

“There.”

“Spoilsport.”

“Maybe.”

His hands settled lightly at my waist.

I could have moved.

I didn’t.

Sometimes Friendship Misplaces Its Clothes

The first kiss was soft and familiar.

That’s the dangerous thing about Mark. There isn’t any awkwardness.

No wondering whether I should kiss him.

No wondering whether he wants me to.

We’ve known those answers for years.

The second kiss wasn’t quite so polite.

I smiled against his mouth.

“Thought you were giving me a present.”

“I did.”

“Very generous.”

“I have my moments.”

His mouth found mine again.

Somewhere behind me Rupert buzzed.

We both stopped.

I looked over my shoulder.

The controller was underneath me.

“Oh.”

Mark laughed.

“User error.”

“Shut up.”

I moved it.

Rupert stopped.

Then Dan buzzed.

Mark looked at me.

I looked at Dan.

“You are taking the piss.”

Dan Wasn’t About To Sit This One Out

What followed wasn’t particularly dignified.

Every time things became remotely serious, either Dan or Rupert seemed determined to remind us he was there.

Mostly Dan.

Obviously.

Mark accused Dan of sabotage.

I accused Mark of winding him up.

Rupert buzzed from somewhere underneath a pillow.

I couldn’t find the controller.

Mark found it.

I took it away.

He stole it back.

At some point my cream top ended up on the floor.

His shirt followed.

I looked at it.

Then at him.

“Benji.”

“What?”

“Your clothes.”

Mark glanced towards the bedroom door.

“Oh.”

The last time he’d been careless with his underwear around my dog, Benji had taken a pair of boxer shorts to bed.

“I’ve learned,” Mark said.

“Good.”

He picked up his shirt and put it on the chair.

“Everything goes above dog height.”

“Romantic.”

“Experience.”

Rupert Got His Proper Introduction

Eventually we remembered why Mark had bought the rabbit in the first place.

Well.

Mark remembered.

I was distracted.

Rupert turned out to be considerably less innocent than he looked.

The controller was an inspired addition.

I will never tell Sharon that.

She’d be unbearable.

Mark was also far too pleased with himself.

“You like him.”

“Don’t get smug.”

“You definitely like him.”

“I haven’t completed my review.”

“Need more testing?”

I looked at him.

That was a mistake.

Or possibly the best decision I’d made all evening.

“Maybe.”

Mark smiled.

He knows my maybes.

The testing continued.

Dan Wasn’t Being Left Out

Then Mark looked towards Dan.

“No.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You were thinking it.”

“He’s watching.”

“He doesn’t have eyes.”

“He knows.”

I looked at my loyal pink companion.

Poor Dan.

Years of service and suddenly some purple upstart had arrived with rabbit ears and a remote control.

I picked him up.

“There.”

Mark laughed.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t laugh at him.”

“I’m not.”

“You are.”

“I’ve missed this.”

I knew what he meant.

Not just the naughty bit.

This.

Me, Mark and something ridiculous happening when we should probably have been concentrating.

I smiled.

“Me too.”

Then Dan buzzed.

Naturally.

Things Became Considerably Less Innocent

After that, the evening stopped pretending it was going to remain a coffee visit.

Clothes migrated.

The controller changed hands several times.

Rupert received a thorough introduction to the household.

Dan reclaimed some seniority.

And Mark and I remembered, quite enthusiastically, why occasionally being more than friends still suited us rather well.

I won’t give you every detail.

Some things should remain between a woman, an old lover and two extremely overworked battery-powered companions.

Let’s just say Mark’s present was appreciated.

Eventually.

Repeatedly.

And at one point I had to bury my face in a pillow because I was laughing so much at Mark accusing Dan of deliberately interrupting him.

“It’s personal,” he said.

“He likes you.”

“He’s got a funny way of showing it.”

“You stole his job.”

“For twenty minutes.”

“Forty-five.”

Mark looked offended.

“Who’s timing?”

“Dan.”

That started me laughing again.

Afterwards Wasn’t Particularly Glamorous

You know those beautiful scenes in films where everybody looks wonderful afterwards?

This wasn’t one of them.

My hair looked as though I’d been dragged backwards through a hedge.

Mark was searching for one sock.

Rupert had disappeared underneath the duvet.

Dan was lying near my pillow looking suspiciously pleased with himself.

And the purple controller was on the floor.

“Found it.”

Mark emerged holding his sock.

“Congratulations.”

“Thank you.”

“Have you seen Rupert?”

He looked at me.

“You’ve lost your vibrator?”

“Temporarily.”

“In your own bed?”

“He’s new.”

“Dan would never do this.”

“Exactly.”

Mark lifted the duvet.

There was Rupert.

“Found him.”

I took him.

“Thank you.”

“You need a register.”

“Don’t give Sharon ideas.”

Mark Was Still Mark

Eventually we got dressed.

Mostly.

Mark sat beside me while I attempted to make my hair look less incriminating.

“You all right?”

I looked at him.

There was no awkwardness.

That’s one of the reasons we work better now.

No what does this mean?

No where is this going?

We’d had a lovely evening.

Whatever happened next could look after itself.

“I’m very all right.”

He smiled.

“Good present?”

I looked at Rupert.

Then at Dan.

Then at Mark.

“Seven out of ten.”

“Seven?”

“Lost points for smugness.”

“That’s not the rabbit’s fault.”

“Associated purchase.”

“Harsh.”

“I haven’t submitted the final review yet.”

He grinned.

“Plenty of time.”

Benji Had Been Waiting

When we walked into the lounge, Benji was sitting on the sofa.

Watching.

Oh dear.

Mark stopped.

Benji looked at him.

Then at me.

Then back at Mark.

“Don’t,” I said.

Mark laughed.

“He’s judging us.”

“He always judges me.”

Benji jumped down.

Then wandered towards Mark.

I saw where this was going.

“Benji.”

Too late.

His nose went directly towards Mark’s jeans.

Mark stepped backwards.

“No.”

Benji followed.

“Absolutely not.”

I started laughing.

“You’ve got history.”

“I’ve got trauma.”

Benji sniffed again.

Mark pointed at him.

“My underwear stays with me tonight.”

Benji wagged his tail.

Apparently, Even Benji Remembered

Mark eventually left with every item of clothing accounted for.

I checked.

So did he.

Benji watched him disappear through the door.

Then looked up at me.

“What?”

Nothing.

I walked back into the bedroom.

Benji followed.

Dan was on the bed.

Rupert beside him.

I picked up the purple rabbit.

“New addition.”

Benji stared.

“His name’s Rupert.”

Nothing.

“Mark bought him.”

Benji looked at Dan, then Rupert, then me.

Honestly, sometimes that dog doesn’t need words.

“Dan is still number one.”

Benji sat down.

“Don’t look at me like that.”

His head tilted.

“You weren’t this judgemental when you stole Mark’s boxer shorts.”

His ears lifted.

“There we are. You remember.”

Eva Morello

After Dark Diaries

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