ARTICLE | ADVICE & GUIDES

How to Talk About What You Want in Bed Without Making It Awkward

Talking about what you want in bed can feel surprisingly difficult. Here’s how to make conversations about sex, pleasure and intimacy feel natural rather than painfully awkward.

Talking about sex should be easy.

After all, if you’re comfortable enough to take your clothes off with someone, surely you should be comfortable enough to tell them what you actually like.

Except, of course, it doesn’t quite work like that.

Plenty of perfectly confident adults can discuss work, money, family problems and what their neighbour has done with that bloody hedge – yet ask them to tell their partner what they want in bed and suddenly they don’t know where to look.

It isn’t necessarily because something is wrong with the relationship. Sex just makes us vulnerable in a way that few other things do.

Saying “I’d like to try this” isn’t only expressing a preference. It can feel as though you’re revealing a little part of yourself and waiting to see whether the other person accepts it.

So instead, many of us stay quiet.

And that’s where things can become complicated.

Your Partner Isn’t a Mind Reader

There is a lovely idea that when two people have real chemistry, everything should simply happen naturally.

Sometimes it does.

But even the most attentive partner cannot automatically know what feels good to you, what you’ve become curious about or what you’d rather they stopped doing.

We’re all different. What one person loves might do absolutely nothing for somebody else.

Our preferences can change too. What worked brilliantly five years ago might not be what your body wants now.

Yet people often interpret having to explain something as evidence that their partner “should have known”.

They probably shouldn’t.

Good intimacy isn’t about instinctively knowing everything about another person’s body. It’s about becoming comfortable enough to keep discovering it.

Don’t Wait Until You’re in the Middle of Sex

This might be the simplest piece of advice in the whole article.

If there’s something you really want to talk about, in the middle of sex isn’t always the best place to start.

Imagine somebody trying something and hearing:

“We need to talk about this.”

Romantic, isn’t it?

In the middle of an intimate moment, both of you are already exposed emotionally and physically. Even a perfectly reasonable suggestion can accidentally sound like criticism.

Choose an ordinary moment instead.

Maybe you’re lying together on the sofa, having a drink, driving somewhere or chatting after dinner.

You don’t need to announce that you’re about to have an Important Conversation About Our Sex Life either.

That alone is enough to make most people wonder what they’ve done wrong.

Start naturally.

“I’ve been thinking about something…”

“I really liked it when we…”

“Can I tell you something I’ve always been curious about?”

Those sentences invite a conversation. They don’t sound like the opening arguments at a tribunal.

Start With What You Like

If you want more of something, say so.

It sounds ridiculously obvious, but positive feedback is one of the easiest ways to communicate what you enjoy without making the conversation awkward.

“I love it when you do that.”

“Slower feels amazing.”

“Don’t stop.”

Or later:

“I really liked what you did earlier.”

None of that requires a serious discussion. You’re simply giving your partner information they can actually use.

And let’s be realistic – most people rather enjoy being told they’ve done something right.

It also works particularly well when you want to introduce a small change.

Instead of:

“You always rush.”

Try:

“I love it when we take our time.”

Both sentences may be trying to achieve exactly the same thing.

Only one sounds like criticism.

What If You Want to Try Something New?

This is where people often become nervous.

Perhaps you’ve been thinking about introducing a toy, trying a sensual massage, exploring a fantasy or simply changing something about your usual routine.

The temptation is to spend three months wondering how your partner will react.

Usually, asking is easier.

The important distinction is between sharing an idea and presenting an expectation.

“I’ve been curious about this – what do you think?”

feels very different from:

“I want us to do this.”

The first gives the other person room to think, ask questions, laugh, be curious themselves or say that it isn’t for them.

And yes, sometimes they’ll say no.

That’s part of talking openly about sex too.

Being able to say what you want doesn’t mean your partner has to want exactly the same things.

Don’t Treat a ‘No’ as Rejection

This one matters.

If someone doesn’t want to try a particular fantasy or experience, it doesn’t automatically mean they’re rejecting you.

They may simply have different boundaries.

Likewise, you don’t owe somebody a yes simply because they were brave enough to ask.

Healthy sexual communication has to work both ways.

You should be able to say:

“That’s not really my thing.”

without somebody sulking for the rest of the evening.

And you should also be able to hear it without immediately thinking, They must think I’m weird.

Sometimes a no is just a no.

Interestingly, knowing that you’re allowed to say no can actually make these conversations easier. When nobody is being pressured into agreeing, there’s much more room for genuine curiosity.

Long-Term Relationships Need These Conversations Too

Perhaps especially long-term relationships.

At the beginning of a relationship, there’s naturally a lot of discovery. You’re learning about each other’s bodies, preferences and boundaries.

Over time, familiarity takes over.

That can be wonderful – but it can also lead to assumptions.

I know what they like.

We’ve always done it this way.

If they wanted something different, they’d tell me.

Meanwhile, the other person may be thinking exactly the same thing.

People change. Bodies change. Confidence changes. Hormones change. Life changes.

Sexual desire isn’t frozen at the age you happened to meet your partner.

Checking in with each other occasionally doesn’t mean there’s a problem. It simply means you’re still interested.

The Conversation Isn’t Always About Wanting More

Talking about what you want in bed isn’t only about fantasies and new experiences.

Sometimes it’s about saying that something isn’t working.

Perhaps intimacy has become predictable. Maybe you’re feeling disconnected. Perhaps something that used to feel good doesn’t anymore.

Those conversations can be harder because nobody wants to hurt someone they care about.

But pretending everything is wonderful rarely improves it.

The trick is to talk about the experience rather than attacking the person.

There’s an enormous difference between:

“Our sex life is boring.”

and:

“I miss when we used to be more spontaneous.”

One closes the conversation.

The other gives you somewhere to go.

What If You Don’t Actually Know What You Want?

This is more common than people admit.

We tend to assume everyone else has a detailed instruction manual for their sexuality tucked away somewhere.

They don’t.

Some people know exactly what they enjoy. Others discover it gradually.

You might know that you want something different without having the faintest idea what that something is.

That’s okay.

Curiosity is enough of a starting point.

You can explore together without having a destination already decided.

Maybe that means slowing things down. Trying massage. Talking about fantasies. Spending more time touching without rushing towards sex. Changing the atmosphere. Introducing something playful.

Not every experiment has to become a permanent part of your sex life either.

Sometimes you try something and both think:

“Well… we won’t be doing that again.”

At least you’ve got something to laugh about.

A Little Humour Helps

Sex can become terribly serious when we’re trying to talk about it.

It doesn’t have to.

Bodies make noises. Clothes get stuck. Sexy ideas occasionally turn out to be spectacularly unsexy in practice.

Laughing together doesn’t ruin intimacy.

Often, it makes intimacy possible.

Humour takes some of the pressure away and reminds you that you’re two human beings figuring things out together – not performers trying to get everything right.

The same applies to conversations about sex.

You don’t need perfect terminology.

You don’t need a script.

And you certainly don’t need to sound like you’ve swallowed a relationship counselling handbook.

Just be yourself.

The Best Sex Conversations Aren’t Really About Sex

They’re about trust.

Can I tell you what I like?

Can I tell you what I don’t like?

Can I admit I’m curious about something without being judged?

Can you tell me the same?

When those conversations become easier, intimacy often feels more natural too.

Because good sex isn’t built on two people magically knowing exactly what the other wants.

It’s built on paying attention, being curious and feeling safe enough to say, “Actually, can we try this?”

And sometimes the most attractive thing somebody can do is simply listen.

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