Loosing a baby
A True Story
Loosing a baby
Loosing a baby
My story is for ladies and Gents who have experienced the loss of a Baby
Yes a grim topic but one that is a common occurrence.
Loosing a baby is always a difficult subject and we tend to focus on the mother as opposed to the father, probably because it physically happens to the women. The man tends to put on a strong facade for his partner, showing the world that he’s a pillar of strength but behind the facade he too is deeply wounded.
The pain and suffering is difficult to manage, but if both are there for each other through outburst of trauma which can materialise in all forms then with understanding and time the pain becomes easier to manage.
You never forget loosing your baby but you do forget how the pain and suffering manipulated you into someone you didn’t recognise.
My story begins years ago when life was very different
I had been seeing a professional man for over a year, we were very happy and making plans for our future. Unexpectedly, I had become pregnant which was a huge shock as it wasn’t initially part of our future plans.
As days went on with many tears and discussions we both decided that, ok this has happened and before we as a couple were ready, but we were both mature adults and we were going to do this, we were going to have a baby.
Tears had become joy as we adapted our future plans to include our little one and then to announce to my son he was going to have a sibling, anxiously I sat him down and softly explained but my fears were instantly dispelled as his little face beamed with joy.
Weeks had become months and my tummy was blossoming for the world to see, our plans were moving at great speed. One morning my partner received a call and off he went, I didn’t think too much about it. A couple of hours later he called me to tell me my father had been taken ill, he had had a mini stroke but not to worry and he would be with me soon.
Worried was an understatement, when you hear the word stroke and its your beloved father your mind goes into overdrive. With a very heavy heart and with tears running down my face, I clearly remember taking my frustrations out on the hover! It was a big old lump a Kirby as I recall, I hovered and hovered and hovered until my tears had stopped falling and I was exhausted.
My body after that episode didn’t feel right and I hand noticed a little blood stained discharge that wasn’t normal. You do all the right things, emergency doctors appointment and your assured all is ok. My body was reacting to stress and I was told to go home put my feet up and rest. Not an easy task when you live in the real world.
It’s strange as I don’t recall what happened after that moment, wether I visited my father in hospital or not, it’s all a bit of a blur but I know he returned home a few days later completely functional and he was told his mini stroke was brought on by stress.
My parents decided to go to their holiday home so dad could be away from his business and just take the time he need to rest. A couple of weeks later my partner and I would be completing on our business venture.
November 25th had arrived, getting my son ready and off to school and frantically packing up our cars ready to move into our new premises. The van was ready to unload once weights and measures had itemised all the stock and the paperwork had been signed and finalised. During all this commotion I wasn’t feeling great but had to be there to sign and finalise the papers.
Many hours later and now with possession of the keys, I went off to collect my son from school and then we all worked tirelessly unloading and setting up as you do. We needed beds to sleep in and our business would be open tomorrow.
As day quickly became night, my feeling of unwell turned into twinges, worried I decided to have a lay down on the sofa and rest. An hour or so had passed but these twinges didn’t subside if anything they had worsened.
My partner decided that I need to go to the hospital and readily agreed, leaving my son with the chef, on moving to the car the the twinges had become pain. Both extremely worried as the hospital was 30 minutes away on a good day. He drove like a mad man, breaking every rule in the book and running every red light that we came across.
Pulling up at the hospital, my partner summed a porter who came with a wheelchair but as I got out of the car my waters broke and I knew that this was the start of the end but in my heart I had a glimmer of hope.
In a crisis, nothing seems to move quick enough, I was wheeled from the carpark into the hospital where we had to wait for a lift to take us to maternity, from there I was wheeled onto the ward and into a side room to be examined and told to undress still with a glimmer of hope.
I had 3 nurses all fussing around me as my heart was breaking at the news that there was nothing they could do and I would have to give birth to my baby naturally. One nurse became upset as she was pregnant her self as was sent home.
Now with an IV and a drip firmly in place of morphine, my baby boy was naturally born with my partner standing outside the room. Afterwards he joined me and we both sat in floods of tears, the door to my room opened and a nurse asked if we would like to see him. Immediately my partner said yes and within a few minutes they had brought this small basket in with my baby dress up inside, somewhat freaky on reflection.
the basket was placed on my lap and I just sat and stared at this little creation, the morphine was seriously working now and I handed the basket to my partner. He cradled this basket for an hour or more outside my room, apparently he couldn’t give him up and needed coaxing by the nurses.
With spiders the size of plates climbing the walls of my room (hallucinations from the drugs), I eventually fell asleep and my partner went home and collected me the next day after the doctor released me.
The days that followed were very difficult, the start of a new business the loss of my baby, not having my mother around for some female advice, having to tell my son that wouldn’t be having a baby brother and my relationship had changed over night.
A few days later I started to receive letters through the post from the hospital, bereavement pamphlets, letters, advice, funeral arrangements and 2 Polaroid photos of my dead baby. In all, not really what I was ready to face so soon after my loss and I didn’t face it, I just berried myself in work and tried to forget.
My son struggled with the news and acted up in school, my relationship deteriorated rapidly with what seemed every day was argument after argument, eventually one night in a fit of rage my partner lashed out physically and uncontrollably hurting me, tacking half the business tacking for the month and left.
I never saw or heard from him again!
I don’t blame him at all, looking back he was hurting and so was I and so was my son, we were all in completely different places.
Grief is a monster and if left to fester, it can destroy you the person you once were and the loving relationship you once had. The children you already have also suffer in different ways and their pain can be overlooked as you try to deal with your own.
I never sort counselling for my loss all those years ago but over time, I dealt with my pain or so I though and for a number of years it would raise its ugly head from nowhere, when I least expected it causing me to be over emotional on certain things and maybe a little irrational.
Telling you my story will hopefully help someone to seek the help they need in times of loss, none of us like the word counselling and we all think we can manage as we are adults and know best, but I can assure you that life can be so much easier with a little extra help.
What are the chances of having a miscarriage?
Most miscarriages occur at the start of pregnancy. The overall probability of a pregnancy ending in miscarriage in the UK is: 25% at four weeks; 5% at eight weeks; 1.7% at 12 weeks; and 0.5% at 16 weeks.
More than 80% of miscarriages occur within the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. After 12 weeks, the rate decreases rapidly.
Thank you for reading this post and I hope you didn’t find it too daunting
As always take care of you and your
Sue x
Please send all your questions and stories via email to [email protected]
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