SUE’S AFTER DARK DIARIES | EPISODE 50

The Man With the Magic Hands

Morning, lovely readers.

There are people you’re perfectly happy to bump into unexpectedly.

An old friend.

A neighbour.

The woman from the bakery who always gives you the biggest slice of cake.

Then there are people you’d prefer a little warning about.

Your dentist.

Your gynaecologist.

And the man who once gave you a very intimate massage and whose hands your best friend has been discussing for months.

Saturday started normally.

Which, in my life, should have been the first warning.

Mark texted just after lunch.

Fancy a drink tonight?

I looked at Benji.

Benji looked at me.

Neither of us appeared to have plans.

Seven?

Perfect.

There.

Two adults arranging one drink.

No parcels.

No unexpected buzzing.

Just a drink with Mark.

You’d think after fifty episodes I’d have learned that the moment I use the word just, the universe starts warming up.

Welcome to Sue’s After Dark Diaries Episode 50.

Apparently, we’re still doing this.

One Drink

At half six, Sharon knocked on my door.

She’d volunteered to take Benji for a walk because, according to her, she’d been “sitting on her arse all afternoon.”

Her words.

Not mine.

She looked at me.

Then my blouse.

Then my heels.

“Where are you going?”

“Pub.”

“With?”

“Mark.”

She nodded slowly.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Make one word sound like you’ve discovered evidence.”

Benji appeared with his lead in his mouth.

“See? Even Benji thinks you’re annoying.”

“He loves me.”

“He’s carrying a lead. He wants to leave.”

Benji wagged his tail.

Traitor.

Sharon clipped on his lead.

“We’ll probably pass the pub.”

“Pop in.”

“For one?”

“Yes.”

She smiled.

“Maybe.”

Then off they went.

I found my handbag.

Checked Dan wasn’t inside it.

Checked again.

Look at me learning.

Well, Hello Again

Mark was sitting at a table near the back when I arrived.

He lifted a hand.

I smiled.

Then I saw the man sitting opposite him.

Oh.

Jake.

Bloody hell.

I’d remembered Jake was handsome.

I’d apparently forgotten how handsome.

Mark was gorgeous. Always had been.

Jake was different.

Jake was the sort of handsome that belonged in an expensive watch advert, leaning against something Italian while the rest of us wondered why our lives had gone so badly wrong.

Then there were the hands.

Those I hadn’t forgotten.

They were wrapped innocently around his pint.

Innocently.

My memory strongly disagreed.

“Hello, Sue.”

“Hello.”

I looked at Mark.

“You could’ve mentioned Jake was coming.”

He looked genuinely confused.

“I didn’t think you’d mind. You’ve already met Jake.”

Met.

Yes.

Technically.

“Of course I don’t mind.”

Jake smiled.

Oh, don’t do that as well.

Mark pushed a glass of red wine towards me.

“Got you this.”

“Thank you.”

I took a fairly substantial sip.

Jake glanced at my glass.

“Long day?”

“It’s improving.”

Oh.

Where did that come from?

Apparently Naughty Sue had come to the pub as well.

Wonderful.

Social Jake Was Worse

I’d only ever met Jake while he was working.

Professional Jake was calm.

Controlled.

Reassuring.

And very good with his hands.

Social Jake, I quickly discovered, was considerably more dangerous.

He laughed more.

Teased Mark.

Swore occasionally.

And had a dry sense of humour I hadn’t been expecting.

I also discovered that two men who’d known each other since university could communicate almost entirely through insults.

Women don’t do that.

Give Sharon and me long enough and we’ll know everything from each other’s bra size to exactly which ex is still allowed to be called a bastard.

Men apparently manage thirty years on:

“Another pint, dickhead?”

“Cheers.”

Anyway.

I was beginning to relax.

Then my phone buzzed.

Sharon.

Your dog has spent five minutes staring at a man eating a sausage roll outside the Co-op.

That’s Benji.

We’re coming in.

I looked across at Jake.

Then back at the message.

I could have warned her.

I didn’t.

Sometimes you have to make your own entertainment.

Sharon Stopped Working

Five minutes later, Sharon walked through the door with Benji.

She saw me.

Saw Mark.

Then saw Jake.

Stopped.

Benji didn’t.

He carried on until the lead snapped tight and Sharon lurched forward two steps.

I bit the inside of my cheek.

Oh, she looked shocked.

Properly shocked.

For once in her life, no words came out.

I considered taking a photograph.

“Hello, Sharon,” Jake said.

Her mouth opened.

Closed.

Opened again.

Nothing.

This was magnificent.

“Are you all right?” I asked.

She glared at me.

There she is.

“You didn’t tell me.”

“Didn’t I?”

“You know you bloody didn’t.”

“Prosecco?”

“Large.”

System restored.

Benji, meanwhile, had spotted Mark.

He trotted over and started sniffing his legs.

Mark immediately moved them.

“No.”

Jake looked down.

“What’s he doing?”

“He steals my boxers.”

“Twice,” I added.

Mark pointed at me.

“Nobody asked you.”

“At least he didn’t get your Rudolph ones with the flashing nose.”

“Sue.”

“What?”

“Nobody needs to know about Rudolph.”

“Yes, but to be fair, you weren’t wearing them at the time.”

Jake nearly lost his beer.

Sharon sat down laughing.

Much better.

Those Bloody Hands

Once Sharon had prosecco in front of her, she leaned towards me.

“You could’ve bloody warned me.”

“Why?”

She stared at me.

I stared back.

Then her eyes moved.

Just briefly.

Down to Jake’s hands.

I saw it.

“Oh my God.”

“What?”

“You looked at his hands.”

“I did not.”

“You bloody did.”

“So did you!”

“Only because you did.”

“Bollocks.”

Mark glanced across.

“What are you two whispering about?”

“Nothing.”

“His hands,” Sharon said.

I kicked her under the table.

“Ow!”

“Sorry.”

“No, you’re not.”

No.

I wasn’t.

After hours of Sharon interrogating me about Jake, his incredible looks, those bloody hands, and everything else after my massage, the universe had finally delivered justice.

Unfortunately, Sharon recovered quickly.

She always does.

Then Benji Betrayed Me

About twenty minutes later, Sharon nudged me.

“Don’t look.”

Obviously, I looked.

Carol and Linda were sitting a few tables away.

Oh no.

Both had been at Sharon’s Well Woman Night.

Both knew about Jake.

Neither had actually met him.

“Don’t,” I said.

“I haven’t done anything.”

“You were about to.”

“I wasn’t.”

“You were.”

Benji suddenly lifted his head.

Carol had spotted him.

“Oh, Benji!”

His tail started thumping against my chair.

Then came the little whine.

No.

Carol waved.

Benji wagged harder.

Linda looked over.

Then Carol stood.

Brilliant.

My own dog had just invited them over.

“Hello, gorgeous,” Carol said, crouching to fuss him.

Benji behaved as though they’d been separated during a war.

Then Linda saw Jake.

She stopped.

Looked at Sharon.

Looked at me.

Then back at Jake.

“Oh my God.”

No.

“You’re Jake.”

Jake smiled.

“Apparently.”

Carol straightened.

Then it clicked.

“You’re the Jake with the magic hands!”

There it is.

Jake Became Local Folklore

Mark laughed immediately.

He’d already survived the Well Woman Night.

Jake hadn’t.

“Magic hands?”

“Nothing to do with me,” I said.

“Bollocks,” Sharon replied. “You started it.”

“You grilled me for hours!”

“I asked questions.”

“You wanted to know what he looked like, how good-looking he was, what his hands were like…”

“Because you came home looking like that!”

Silence.

Oh.

Mark smiled into his pint.

Jake looked at me.

“Looking like what?”

“Nothing.”

Sharon grinned.

“You know.”

“No, Sharon. He doesn’t.”

Jake’s eyes stayed on mine.

“I’d quite like to.”

Of course he bloody would.

I reached for my wine.

Carol and Linda pulled over chairs.

Apparently they were staying.

Why wouldn’t they?

My humiliation had become a community event. Again.

Going South

After a while, Mark looked at Jake.

“What’s this yoni massage all about, then?”

Fair question.

Mark knew Sharon had booked one. He’d also sat through the Well Woman Night and heard quite enough about the aftermath.

Nobody had ever really explained what the massage itself involved.

Jake put his pint down.

“Clients know what to expect before they arrive. I explain everything when they book: what the massage involves, boundaries, what they’re comfortable with. So we’re both clear before the appointment.”

Mark nodded.

“Oh, okay.”

“It’s basically a massage that goes south,” Sharon said.

I looked at her.

Jake looked at her.

Mark frowned.

“South?”

“Down.”

“I know where south is.”

“Well, then.”

I picked up my wine.

Jake was trying not to laugh.

“So it’s intimate?” Mark asked.

“It can be very intimate,” Jake said. “But nothing happens that hasn’t already been discussed and agreed.”

“Exactly,” Sharon said.

Stop there.

Please.

Just once.

Stop there.

She didn’t.

The Toes Returned

“He’s very good.”

I closed my eyes.

Of course.

Mark laughed.

“Yes, Sharon. We know.”

“Do you?”

“We had an entire evening about his hands.”

“That wasn’t the whole review.”

I turned slowly towards her.

“Don’t.”

“What?”

“Whatever you’re about to say.”

Carol was already laughing.

Linda joined her.

Sharon took a sip of prosecco.

“All I said was my toes curled.”

Mark nodded.

“I remember the toes.”

“Everyone remembers the bloody toes,” I said.

Sharon looked offended.

“It was a compliment.”

“To your feet?”

“To Jake.”

Jake raised his pint.

“Thank you.”

“Oh, don’t encourage her.”

Carol grinned.

“Well, she did have an orgasm.”

Sharon went bright red.

Oh.

Interesting.

“Carol!”

“What?”

“You didn’t have to announce it!”

“You announced it to us.”

“That was different.”

“How?”

“It just was.”

I sat back.

Finally.

Justice.

Then Sharon’s Phone Went Off

BEEP-BEEP.

Sharon looked at her phone.

Then quickly turned it face down.

I saw that.

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

“Your phone disagrees.”

“Reminder.”

“For?”

“Something.”

I reached for it.

She grabbed it first.

Too slow, Sharon.

I’d already seen the screen.

REVIEW BOUNCING ROBIN – 9PM

I blinked.

Then looked at her.

“I’m sorry. The what?”

“Nothing.”

“The Bouncing Robin?”

Mark stopped drinking.

Jake looked across.

Carol leaned closer.

Linda frowned.

“Is that a Christmas decoration?”

Sharon glared at her.

“Yes, Linda. I’ve taken up reviewing festive ornaments.”

I was already laughing.

“What the bloody hell is a Bouncing Robin?”

“It’s a new product.”

“What sort of product?”

She stared at me.

Oh.

Ohhh.

Mark looked between us.

“Adult?”

Sharon sighed.

“Yes.”

Jake smiled.

“Called the Bouncing Robin?”

“It’s for Christmas.”

Of course it bloody was.

Everybody Had Questions

Mark leaned forward.

“Does it actually look like a robin?”

“Sort of.”

“Sort of?”

“It’s red.”

“Robins aren’t red.”

“It’s got a red bit.”

“Where?”

“Mark.”

I had tears in my eyes.

Linda looked fascinated.

“Does it have wings?”

Sharon hesitated.

Oh no.

“It has little ones.”

That finished me.

Carol folded over.

Mark put his pint down.

“Do the wings do anything?”

“I’m not discussing this.”

“You review these things,” I reminded her.

“Professionally.”

“Apparently in the presence of wildlife.”

“It’s festive.”

Jake looked at Sharon.

“What bounces?”

She pointed at him.

“No.”

“I only asked.”

“You are the last person at this table I’m discussing the mechanics of a Bouncing Robin with.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re Magic Hands.”

Jake laughed.

“Still getting used to that.”

“You will.”

The Robin Could Wait

Her phone beeped again.

Sharon ignored it.

I looked at the screen.

REVIEW WINDOW: 9PM–10PM

“It’s nine ten.”

“I know.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be reviewing your robin?”

“It can wait.”

“You’ve got work.”

“I’ve got prosecco.”

Fair enough.

She ordered another.

That was when I realised the Bouncing Robin had absolutely no chance of being reviewed professionally.

Mark looked at her.

“Do they give you instructions?”

“Obviously.”

“Have you read them?”

Sharon went quiet.

I stared at her.

“You haven’t.”

“I skimmed.”

“Oh, for God’s sake.”

“I’ve reviewed hundreds of things.”

“Not robins.”

“Same principle.”

Jake lifted an eyebrow.

“Is it?”

Sharon looked at him.

“I’ll let you know.”

“Please don’t,” I said.

Linda Wanted A Card

Linda turned back to Jake.

“Have you got a card?”

Sharon’s head snapped round.

“What do you want his card for?”

Linda stared at her.

“After your recommendation?”

She held out her hand.

“Why do you bloody think?”

Carol immediately held hers out too.

“I’ll have one.”

Sharon looked horrified.

“You two are unbelievable.”

I nearly fell off my chair.

“YOU started it!”

Jake took two cards from his wallet.

Carol tucked hers into her handbag.

Linda kept hold of hers like it was precious metal.

“Congratulations,” I told Sharon. “You’re his marketing department.”

“I want commission.”

“You’ll be lucky if he doesn’t take out a restraining order.”

Jake laughed.

“Business is business.”

Traitor.

Linda looked at the card.

“I want to know if the magic hands live up to the advertising.”

“They do,” Sharon said.

I looked at her.

She shrugged.

“What?”

“You’ve just sold another one.”

“I told you. Commission.”

Mark Made A Mistake

Carol looked at Jake.

“Do you massage men too?”

“Yes.”

Mark nodded.

“Maybe I’ll book.”

Sharon looked at him.

“For a yoni massage?”

I nearly spat my wine back into the glass.

Mark stared at her.

“I haven’t got a yoni.”

“Well, not with that attitude.”

Jake folded over laughing.

I put my glass down.

“Where the bloody hell did that come from?”

“I don’t know.”

“Neither do I.”

Mark shook his head.

“Normal massage, Sharon.”

“Oh.”

Pause.

“Bit boring.”

“Not everybody needs to orgasm.”

Sharon took a sip of prosecco.

“Speak for yourself.”

Carol was gone again.

Linda had tears running down her face.

I looked at Jake.

He looked at me.

“Still glad you came out?”

“More by the minute.”

Bloody hell.

Benji Wanted Crisps

Linda opened a packet of crisps.

Benji’s head immediately appeared.

“No.”

He stared at her.

“Benji.”

Linda smiled.

“He can have one.”

“No, he can’t.”

One crisp appeared between her fingers.

Benji moved.

I grabbed his lead.

Sharon reached for the crisp.

Benji changed direction.

His lead wrapped around the leg of Sharon’s chair.

“Hang on.”

Sharon moved the chair.

Benji moved faster.

Mark lifted his pint.

Carol grabbed her wine.

Linda dropped the crisp.

That was the end of civilisation.

Benji lunged.

Sharon’s chair jerked sideways.

She grabbed the table.

I grabbed Benji.

Jake grabbed my wine.

Mark grabbed the prosecco.

And somehow Sharon’s handbag slid straight off the back of her chair.

It hit the floor.

Something inside went:

BRRRRRRRRR.

Silence.

Absolute silence.

I slowly looked at Sharon.

She slowly looked at her handbag.

Oh.

No.

The Robin Had Arrived

Mark put his pint down.

“Please tell me that’s your phone.”

Sharon went scarlet.

BRRRRRRRRR.

Carol made a squeaking noise.

Linda covered her mouth.

Jake looked at the handbag.

Then at Sharon.

“The robin?”

“Nobody move.”

I was already laughing.

“You brought it with you?”

“I picked it up on the way to yours!”

“You took a Bouncing Robin for a dog walk?”

“It was in my bag!”

BRRRRRRR.

The handbag moved.

Not far.

Just enough.

About an inch across the floor.

Mark stared.

“It actually bounces.”

That was it.

I lost control.

Properly.

Head down.

Tears.

No dignity whatsoever.

Sharon kicked the bag.

“Stop it.”

BRRRRRRRRRR.

“You’ve made it worse,” I gasped.

“I know!”

“Turn it off!”

“I’M TRYING.”

Magic Hands Met The Robin

Sharon opened the handbag.

Benji immediately stuck his nose in.

“No!”

She pulled the bag away.

Benji followed.

“Get him!”

I grabbed Benji.

He wriggled.

Mark grabbed his lead.

Sharon pulled something red from the bag.

I saw wings.

Actual little wings.

“Oh my God.”

Carol screamed laughing.

Linda had gone completely silent.

Jake stared at the thing in Sharon’s hand.

“That’s a robin?”

“Apparently!”

BRRRRRRR.

Sharon nearly dropped it.

“Turn it off!”

“I’m trying!”

“Oh shit, that doesn’t work; his little wings are moving”

“Give it here,” Jake said.

“No.”

“Sharon.”

“No!”

“It has an off button.”

“I KNOW.”

“Clearly.”

She glared at him.

Then thrust the Bouncing Robin into his hand.

And there we were.

In my local pub.

Jake, the devastatingly handsome man with the magic hands, holding a vibrating Christmas robin.

I looked at Mark.

Mark looked at me.

Neither of us survived.

Even Jake Couldn’t Save Her

Jake pressed something.

The robin stopped.

Silence.

Sharon stared at him.

“How did you do that?”

“Power button.”

“I pressed that.”

“You pressed the speed button.”

“I did not.”

“You did.”

“How do you know?”

“It got faster.”

Fair point.

Mark wiped his eyes.

“Magic hands.”

“Shut up,” Sharon said.

Jake handed the robin back.

Benji tried to sniff it.

She snatched it away.

“No.”

I looked at her.

“Apparently even Benji wants to review it.”

“Enough.”

Half the pub had noticed.

There was an elderly man sat at the bar who was openly staring.

Sharon shoved the robin back into her handbag.

“Not one word.”

I looked at Mark.

Then Jake.

Then Carol.

Then Linda.

“Absolutely.”

Nobody believed me.

Sharon Finally Had To Go

Her phone beeped again.

She looked at it.

Then at the handbag.

Then at us.

“I really do have to go.”

“Are you sure? You’ve practically finished the review here.”

“Fuck off.”

“What are you giving it?”

“At the moment? One star.”

Mark frowned.

“It stopped eventually.”

“Two.”

Jake laughed.

Sharon pointed at him.

“This is your fault.”

“I turned it off.”

“Exactly.”

I looked at her.

“How is that his fault?”

“I don’t know. I’m traumatised.”

She stood.

Then handed me Benji’s lead.

I stared at it.

“What are you doing?”

“Giving you your dog.”

“You’re taking him home.”

“No.”

“Why?”

She looked at Benji.

Then at me.

“I can’t review it with him watching.”

I stared at her.

“He’s a dog.”

“He’s judgemental.”

“He eats things off pavements.”

“That’s different.”

“How?”

“It just is.”

Benji looked up at both of us.

Actually…

No.

I wasn’t giving her that.

Goodbye, Robin

Sharon kissed my cheek.

Then leaned close.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

I looked at the handbag.

“That’s becoming an increasingly difficult standard to measure.”

She laughed.

Then looked at Jake.

“Lovely seeing you again.”

“You too.”

“Sorry about the robin.”

“I’m not.”

She pointed at him.

“Magic Hands is going to your head.”

Then Mark:

“Don’t forget to read the instructions.”

Sharon turned.

“Fuck off, Mark.”

She left.

Got three steps.

Then came back.

“My phone.”

Of course.

She picked it up.

Left again.

Came back.

I stared at her.

“What now?”

“My keys.”

They were beside her empty glass.

I handed them over.

“Anything else?”

She checked herself.

Phone.

Keys.

Handbag.

Robin.

“Think that’s everything.”

“Go.”

She finally disappeared through the door.

Mark watched her leave.

Then looked at me.

“How is she still alive?”

“Luck.”

Eventually There Were Three

Carol and Linda left not long afterwards.

Both with Jake’s details.

Both still laughing about the robin.

Then Mark checked his phone.

“I’d better get going.”

There was no wink.

No matchmaking comment.

Nothing ridiculous.

He simply finished his drink and stood.

“Good seeing you.”

“You too.”

He looked down at Benji.

“My boxers are going home with me.”

Benji wagged his tail.

“Don’t trust him,” I said.

“I don’t.”

Mark looked at Jake.

“See you next week?”

“Yeah.”

And that was it.

Normal.

Because unlike Sharon, Mark is capable of leaving a room without coming back twice.

Mostly.

Then there were three.

Me.

Jake.

And Benji.

Who was licking something off the floor.

Romance.

Jake Wasn’t Working Now

We stayed for one more drink.

Social Jake was a problem.

A considerable one.

He was relaxed now.

Funny.

A little cheeky.

And every time he smiled, I remembered that I’d once been lying face down on a massage table trying very hard not to notice how ridiculously attractive the man touching me was.

“So,” he said.

“So?”

“Magic Hands.”

I groaned.

“Please don’t.”

“How long has that been going on?”

“Since Sharon.”

“Of course.”

“She grilled me after my appointment.”

“About my hands?”

“Among other things.”

“What other things?”

I looked at him.

He smiled.

“No.”

“My looks?”

“No.”

“You’re lying.”

“You’re very confident.”

“I’ve just met your friends.”

Fair point.

Apparently He’d Noticed Too

We left shortly afterwards.

The night had turned cooler and Benji trotted ahead, stopping every few feet because apparently every lamppost in contained breaking news.

For a while, Jake and I just walked.

Then he said:

“I remembered you.”

I looked at him.

“I’d hope so. It wasn’t that long ago.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

Oh.

Benji stopped.

So did I.

Jake nearly walked into me.

Bloody dog.

“What did you mean?”

“You were a client.”

“Yes.”

“So I wasn’t going to blur that.”

I waited.

He looked at me.

“But I wasn’t oblivious.”

There it was.

Oh.

Now that was interesting.

“So you fancied me?”

He laughed.

“That’s not quite what I said.”

“It’s what I heard.”

“Convenient.”

“I have selective hearing.”

“I’d noticed.”

Sharon Was Still With Us

My phone rang.

Sharon.

I rejected it.

It rang again.

“No.”

Jake smiled.

“Problem?”

“Almost certainly.”

A message arrived.

SUE

Then:

THE ROBIN’S GONE SIDEWAYS

I stopped walking.

Jake looked over my shoulder.

“Oh.”

“Exactly.”

Another message.

IT WON’T STOP

Then:

HELP

I started laughing.

Jake did too.

My phone rang again.

This time I answered.

“What?”

“Sue.”

“What have you done?”

“I haven’t done anything!”

There was a strange noise in the background.

BRRRRRRR-BRRRRRR-BRRRRRR.

I closed my eyes.

“What is that?”

“The robin!”

“Turn it off.”

“I’ve tried.”

“Jake turned it off in two seconds.”

Silence.

“Don’t.”

“What?”

“Do not give Magic Hands my phone.”

I looked at Jake.

He held out his hand.

I gave it to him.

Apparently Magic Hands Did House Calls

“Hello, Sharon.”

“OH, FOR GOD’S SAKE.”

Jake laughed.

“Have you held the power button?”

“Yes.”

“For how long?”

“Long enough.”

“Try five seconds.”

Pause.

Buzzing.

More buzzing.

Then silence.

Complete silence.

“Oh.”

Jake handed the phone back.

I put it to my ear.

“Fixed?”

“I hate him.”

“You were singing his praises earlier.”

“That was before he became better at my job than me.”

“Goodnight, Sharon.”

“Wait.”

“What?”

“Are you two alone?”

I hung up.

Immediately.

Jake looked at me.

“She asked if we’re alone?”

“How did you know?”

“She’s Sharon.”

Good point.

Benji Ruined The Moment

By the time we reached my apartment block, the road was quiet.

Benji finally stopped investigating everything.

Jake and I stood facing each other.

There was something there.

Definitely.

He knew it.

I knew it.

And for once, Sharon wasn’t physically present to announce it.

Jake stepped a little closer.

His hand touched my arm.

Oh.

Those bloody hands.

I looked up at him.

He leaned closer.

Benji suddenly shot sideways.

“What the—”

Cat.

Of course.

The lead wrapped around my legs.

I grabbed Jake.

Jake grabbed me.

Benji pulled.

I hopped once.

Twice.

Then ended up clinging to Jake while he tried to untangle the lead from around my ankles.

The cat sat beneath a parked car.

Watching.

Judging.

“Benji!”

He wagged his tail.

“You little shit.”

Jake was laughing.

“Does this happen often?”

“No.”

Benji pulled again.

“Yes.”

Not Tonight

Once I’d been freed from my own dog, Jake was still standing close.

Very close.

“Where were we?” he asked.

Cocky bastard.

“I’ve forgotten.”

“Liar.”

Then he kissed me.

Not a huge cinematic kiss.

No fireworks.

No dramatic music.

Just a slow, warm kiss that made me very aware that Jake’s mouth was almost as troublesome as his hands.

Almost.

When we separated, he smiled.

“Goodnight, Sue.”

That surprised me.

In a good way.

No assumption.

No shall I come up?

Nothing.

He took out his phone.

“Give me yours.”

“Why?”

“Because I’d rather not contact you through a booking system.”

Oh.

I handed it over.

He put his number in.

Not Jake Massage.

Just:

Jake

Interesting.

Very interesting.

Then he handed it back.

“Now you can decide.”

“Decide what?”

“Whether you want to see me when I’m not working.”

“I’ll think about it.”

He smiled.

“I thought you might.”

Then he walked away.

And I watched him.

Obviously.

I’m only human.

Back Home

Benji and I went upstairs.

I kicked off my heels and collapsed onto the sofa.

My phone buzzed.

For one ridiculous second, I thought it might be Jake.

No.

Sharon.

ONE STAR

Another.

MAYBE TWO NOW I KNOW HOW TO TURN IT OFF

THE WINGS DIDN’T HIT THE SPOT

HAS TO BE TWO ONLY STARS

Then:

DID YOU KISS HIM?

Bloody hell.

How?

I typed:

Goodnight, Sharon.

Three dots.

YOU DID

I put the phone down.

From the bedroom came:

Bzzzz.

I stared towards the hallway.

Dan.

Of course.

“Don’t start.”

Bzzzzzz.

Benji lifted his head.

“Exactly.”

Fifty Episodes Later

I got into bed.

Dan was in his usual place.

Rupert was in my bedside drawer.

My phone was on the bedside table with Jake’s number now sitting in it.

Just Jake.

I looked at it.

Then at Dan.

“Don’t.”

Bzzzz.

“Oh, for God’s sake.”

My phone buzzed.

Sharon.

ARE HIS LIPS AS GOOD AS HIS MAGIC HANDS?

I stared at it.

Go and play with your robin.

Three dots appeared immediately.

FUCK OFF

I laughed.

Then another message arrived.

SERIOUSLY THOUGH?

I put my phone face down.

Bzzzzzz.

“Dan.”

Another buzz from my phone.

I ignored that too.

Benji wandered into the bedroom, jumped onto the bed and curled up beside me.

For approximately ten seconds, everything was quiet.

Then my phone buzzed again.

I sighed and picked it up.

Sharon.

I’M GIVING THE ROBIN THREE STARS.

I stared at the ceiling.

Fifty episodes.

And somehow this was my life.

A dog on my bed.

Two vibrators in my bedroom.

Gorgeous Mark who buys me vibrators

A man with magic hands in my phone.

And Sharon at home reviewing a bouncing Christmas robin.

I turned off the light.

Bzzzz.

“Which one of you was that?”

Silence.

I pulled the duvet over my head.

Some things, lovely readers, are better left unanswered.

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