How Not to Impress a Man – True Story

AFTER DARK ARTICLES | HOW NOT TO IMPRESS A MAN

An embarrassing evening involving a charming man, a guitar, Motown music and rather too much red wine.

A Promising Evening

One of my clients had been seeing me on a very regular basis, and over the weeks that followed, he’d become a little more than just a client. We’d become friends. He was funny, and I really enjoyed his company.

We mutually decided to spend an evening together. No strings attached, even though there was definitely a spark between us.

It’s normal for a woman to go the extra mile when she’s entertaining company, going out or preparing for a date, just in case the evening takes an unexpected direction. With an open mind, you can never be quite sure what the evening might bring…

I’d been working during the day, and time was of the essence. I spent time showering, shaving my legs and bits, pampering myself with body lotion and applying a little make-up.

By the grace of God, I just managed to get dressed in time as Scott knocked at the door.

A Guitar, Some Motown and a Bottle of Red

Scott arrived smelling fantastic, dressed in jeans and a shirt, with a bottle of red wine in one hand and a guitar in the other, as I recall.

My stereo was already on, pumping out the good old sounds of Motown. I was brought up on Soul and Motown, and there’s nothing like a bit of Aretha to get you in the party mood.

With our glasses charged with red wine, we began chatting, laughing and generally having a good time.

Scott was always good company, with a wealth of knowledge and fairly strong opinions. I like a man to have his own mind and direction. It can lead to all sorts of exciting moments! Lol.

I eventually asked him to give me a tune on his guitar. He was very good and could certainly hold a tune vocally.

We both sang along while he played, and he even treated me to some folk songs with rather unruly lyrics I’d never heard before.

We were having a great time.

Then I realised I hadn’t eaten all day.

I suggested making us some nibbles, as I had dried meats and cheeses in the fridge.

Hurriedly, I returned with an array of nibbles and more red wine, which didn’t seem to touch the sides.

I’m normally a lightweight with alcohol, so I was surprised to discover I was already on my second glass.

I remember the wine being smooth, a little fruity and not acidic, so it was very enjoyable to drink.

A little too enjoyable, as it turned out.

Dancing, Flirting and a Rather Unfortunate Barbecue

The music was loud, the sounds were great, and we were both having a ball.

There was the odd kiss here and there, a little wandering hands on both sides and some harmless flirting. Just two single people enjoying themselves!

We were singing our hearts out and dancing to every track.

Somewhere in the middle of all this, I casually threw a question into the conversation.

“Are you staying here tonight?”

With his usual witty manner, he promptly replied, “I’m not driving home!”

Lol.

Feeling happy and slightly nervous, I reached for more wine.

We were now through two bottles, and I went to grab another.

That’s when I noticed something rather worrying.

I was a little light on my feet.

In fact, my feet didn’t seem particularly interested in going where the rest of my body wanted to take them.

Nevertheless, I managed, with what I considered considerable grace, to fetch another bottle because Scott’s glass was empty.

I realised the wine had taken hold before the nibbles had a chance to soak any of it up.

So, in my infinite wisdom, I decided it was in my best interests to keep standing.

My theory was that if I kept moving and singing, I could somehow keep the alcohol at bay.

Yes, I know.

I opened the patio doors to get some fresh air.

In hindsight, this was to become my downfall.

Quite literally.

During all my dancing outside, I managed to lose my footing.

Now, I’d love to tell you this was because I was wearing a fabulous pair of high heels.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.

I was barefoot.

And I fell straight onto my barbecue.

Not a good look at all.

Three glasses of wine, and there I was, sprawled over the BBQ.

Highly embarrassing!

Scott was laughing at my demise as he helped me up.

I didn’t feel a thing, but I was now dying of embarrassment and fairly merry, to say the least.

The Moment Everything Went Horribly Wrong

Fresh air, wine and an empty stomach.

A really bad combination.

The sad thing is, at my age, I should have known better! Lol.

Scott was still drinking. He’d probably had three glasses to my every one.

The music was still playing, and we were both on our feet dancing.

Well, if you could call my movements dancing.

Then, all of a sudden, it happened.

That hot feeling swept rapidly over me.

The room seemed to take on an entirely different dimension.

And my mouth started to water.

Yes.

You know what’s coming, don’t you?

OMG!

I ran as fast as humanly possible, considering my condition, towards the nearest suitable place.

Unfortunately, that happened to be the kitchen sink.

It was the quickest and easiest route for what was about to happen.

I couldn’t stop it.

The wine I’d so enthusiastically consumed decided it was time to make a dramatic reappearance.

And violently, it just kept coming.

OMG, I was so embarrassed!

Certainly not my finest hour.

And there was Scott, laughing while holding my hair back.

How romantic!

So Much for Making a Good Impression!

Of course, I was no good for anything after that.

I simply had to go to bed.

When I’d been getting ready earlier, shaving, applying body lotion and making myself look lovely, this was the furthest possible outcome from my mind.

Poor Scott eventually clambered over me to get into bed and lie beside me.

But that’s all she wrote.

I was away with the fairies.

Needless to say, the following morning Scott teased me about the reappearance of the wine.

If the ground could have opened up and swallowed me whole, it would have been an absolute blessing.

I was mortified.

And it was entirely my own fault! Lol.

“I really got to impress the one I was with, didn’t I?”

And the Moral of the Story?

Just to add, no relationship was formed that night, but we still remained friends.

I just wasn’t his type!

Lol. 🤮

That was the last time I was merry, and hopefully a situation like that will never happen again.

Oh God, I hope not…

So, if you’re venturing out on a date, especially a first date, just remember this little experience.

The key is to IMPRESS the one you’re with.

Preferably without falling over the barbecue or throwing up in the kitchen sink!

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