🌶️ Sue’s After-Dark Diaries Ep 13: The Sauna Slip-up

Reader Intro

Welcome back, darlings 😏. You’d think by now I’d have learned to keep Dan out of public spaces… but apparently, I thrive on humiliation.

This week’s escapade takes place in a spa, a setting meant for relaxation, deep breathing, and cucumber water. Instead, it turned into sweat, towels gone rogue, and one vibrator buzzing louder than the steam pipes. Brace yourselves for Sue’s After-Dark Diaries Ep 13 – The Sauna Slip-Up.

Sauna Scene: Where It All Began

Mark convinced me a spa day would be “good for my stress.” Translation: he wanted to see me wrapped in a towel, dripping in steam, and hopefully losing control. Typical.

To make matters worse, Sharon insisted on coming. She’s still in her post-weight-loss glow after riding the Sybian (yes, Episode 9, in case you forgot), and now she thinks she’s the high priestess of self-care.

So there we were: me, Mark, and Sharon, marching into the sauna like it was the set of some steamy reality show.

I’d brought my spa essentials: towel, flip-flops, water bottle… and, because I apparently cannot go anywhere without him, Dan the vibrator. He’d slipped into my bag during packing like a naughty stowaway. Honestly, he has attachment issues.

🔥 Things Heat Up

The sauna was already roasting. I sat on the wooden bench, towel tucked tight, trying not to look like a rotisserie chicken. Mark, of course, spread himself out like he was auditioning for Playgirl: towel barely covering anything, grin plastered across his smug face.

“Careful, Sue,” Sharon snorted. “Another five minutes in here and your fanny will be medium rare.”

I was about to fire back when it happened – a faint buzz from my spa bag.

At first, I thought it was my phone. Nope. It was Dan.

My heart stopped. The sauna was silent except for the hum of the heated coals. And now… Dan, revving up like a lawnmower.

Sharon cocked her head. “What’s that sound? Are the pipes rattling?”

Mark smirked. “Either the plumbing’s dodgy, or Sue’s brought company.”

The Handbag From Hell

I tried to casually shove the bag under the bench with my foot. Big mistake. Dan rolled out, still buzzing, wrapped in my spare thong like a burrito of shame.

“Oh my God!” Sharon cackled. “She’s smuggled in her bloody boyfriend!”

The old man sitting in the corner nearly swallowed his eucalyptus-scented water.

Mark leaned over, whispering: “Relax, Sue. He’s just sweating it out with the rest of us.”

I wanted the sauna floor to open up and swallow me. But no – it got worse.

Dan vibrated harder, echoing against the wooden slats like a wasp trapped in a jar. The heat made him slippery, and when I lunged to grab him, he shot out of my hand like a rocket and landed on the middle bench and still buzzing.

The Slip Heard Round the Spa

I lunged for Dan, but fate (and eucalyptus oil) had other plans. My foot shot out, my towel abandoned me, and I went arse-over-tit straight into Mark’s lap.

The impact made a noise like a slapstick sound effect, complete with me shrieking “Oh bollocks!” as my boobs smacked into his chest. Dan, still buzzing like a caffeinated hornet, slipped between the sauna slats and rattled against the wood. The whole bench shook like we were riding the bloody Orient Express.

“Easy, Sue,” Mark chuckled, steadying me with both hands on my hips. “You’re vibrating more than he is.”

“That’s NOT me!” I gasped, bending over to rescue Dan. Which of course gave the sauna a full view of my bare arse, glistening under the heat lamps like an oiled turkey at Christmas.

Sharon was gone, wheezing laughter into her towel. “Oh Jesus, Sue, you’re giving the poor old bloke in the corner a coronary. Look at him, his spectacles fogged up, heart rate in cardiac arrest!”

Neighbours in Steam

The sauna door slammed open. In stormed the attendant, no doubt expecting a fire alarm. Instead, she found me half-naked across Mark, Dan thrumming in his lap, Sharon in hysterics, and poor Mr. Eucalyptus clutching his chest.

“For God’s sake!” the attendant barked. “This is NOT that kind of steam room!”

Behind her, a couple of nosey curtain-twitcher types peered in from the spa corridor, their faces lighting up like they’d stumbled into a free Channel 5 late-night special.

One whispered, “I told you this place was dodgy,” while the other muttered, “Do you think they charge extra for that package?”

Mark didn’t help. “Technically, love, we were just stress-testing the benches.”

Sharon cackled. “Aye, and she nearly broke her arse in the process.”

The attendant tried to usher the gawkers away, but of course they lingered, fascinated by the sight of me trying to wrestle a towel back over my tits while Dan hummed merrily away like a chainsaw.

Mr. Eucalyptus finally stood, wobbling. “Filth! In my day, a sauna was for sweating, not shagging!” he grumbled. But even he couldn’t peel his eyes away as I scrambled.

The Aftermath

I managed to snatch Dan back, fumbling to switch him off. He buzzed stubbornly, as if mocking me. My thighs were quivering, my towel was soggy, and I’d never sweated so much in my life, and not just from the heat.

Sharon had collapsed onto the bench, howling like a banshee. “Sue, love, that was the single best show I’ve ever seen without paying an entrance fee.”

The attendant muttered something about “perverts” and stalked out, probably off to bleach her eyeballs.

Mark, the bloody menace, leaned back on the bench with a grin. “Well, darling, I did say a spa day would help you let go of your stress.”

“Mark!” I hissed. “You nearly got me banned from the bloody spa! Again!”

Sharon piped up between giggles. “Oh relax, Sue. With moves like that, they’ll name the steam room after you. ‘The Screaming Sauna Experience’, bring your own vibrator.”

We stumbled into the changing rooms, me clutching Dan like a naughty toddler, Sharon retelling every detail at top volume, and Mark suggesting we go back in “just to finish properly.”

💋 Sue’s Closing Thoughts

So, darlings, the moral of this week’s episode is simple: never bring Dan into a spa. Or, if you do, prepare for a live audience, a scolding from management, and a friend who will never let you live it down.

Honestly, I just wanted glowing skin and inner peace. Instead, I left with steamed nipples, a bruised arse, and a permanent reputation as the woman who turned the sauna into an adult amusement park.

Sharon still calls me “Sauna Sue.” Mark hasn’t stopped winking. And Dan? Well, let’s just say he’s now on spa probation.

Until next time, keep it hot, keep it cheeky, and for the love of God, watch where you put your feet in the steam room.

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