🌶️ Sue’s After-Dark Diaries – Episode 21:

“Sue, Sharon & the Parcel of Pure Filth”

Dear Reader…

Welcome back to another wildly inappropriate adventure in Sue’s After-Dark Diaries – Episode 21: Sue, Sharon & the Parcel of Pure Filth.
If you thought the Sybian Incident was unhinged… oh, sweetheart, this one deserves its own safety leaflet.

Settle in.
Today’s chaos includes:
a misdelivered parcel,
a jealous vibrator,
Sharon on the floor,
Roger on the loose,
and Mrs. Crumble having what I can only describe as a religious experience.

Buckle up.

Morning

I wasn’t expecting chaos before tea, but that’s the thing about my life…  it doesn’t politely knock.
It bursts in, wearing stilettos and screaming for attention.

This particular morning, it arrived in the form of the postman.

A Knock From the Universe… Wearing Shorts

I answered the door half-awake, half-dressed, and not mentally prepared to be perceived.

The postman held a cardboard parcel like it contained radioactive secrets.

“Sharon Blakely, 4B,” he puffed. “She’s out. Can you take it?”

I nodded.

He left.

The parcel vibrated.

Just a little.

I stared at it.
It stared back (emotionally).

“Oh no, you don’t,” I muttered.

From the bedroom, Dan buzzed softly… a jealous little hum.
Perfect.
Two mood-sensitive devices are competing for attention.

I put the parcel down gently, like it was a sleeping baby.
A sleeping baby with settings.

18pcs Christmas Tree Decoration Crystal Ornaments – Hanging Acrylic Christmas Snowflake Icicle Drop Crystal Ornaments for Xmas Tree Winter New Year Party…

Enter: Sharon – A Category 5 Hurricane With Mascara

Ten minutes later, my door rattled like someone was trying to break in.

“SUE! OPEN UP! QUICK!”

I braced myself.

Sharon shot inside like she’d been launched from a cannon, spotted the parcel, and squealed:

“Oh THANK GOD. THIS – is my Roger!”

“…Roger?”

“My new vibrator!” she declared. “Remote-controlled, suction modes, possibly strong enough to stir cement.”

Of course.

She leaned in.
“And after all the fun you seem to have with Dan… or so the gossip goes, I simply had to get my own.”

I blinked. “There’s gossip?”

“Oh, darling.” She fluttered her hand.
“Mrs. Crumble says your radiators hum like monks chanting at midnight.”

Great.

Then she added, “And I can’t wait another SECOND. I haven’t had action since the Sybian incident.”

I groaned.
“Sharon, I know you haven’t. The Sybian incident happened in my lounge.”

She looked nostalgic.

“You climaxed so hard,” I said, “you kicked over my ficus and screamed like you were being exorcised. The dog wouldn’t stop barking, and Mark and I had no idea what to do… you looked like you were riding a bloody bucking bronco!”

Sharon nodded fondly.
“It was vigorous.”

Then she sat herself on my sofa and tore open the box with the enthusiasm of a woman opening forbidden treasure.

Roger Makes His Debut

She unveiled a sleek, glossy, intimidating device.

It hummed.
Menacingly.

“There he is!” she said proudly. “Roger!”

Dan let out a sulky bzzt from the bedroom.

Roger, not to be outdone, activated in demo mode:

VrrrrrRRRRrrrrVRrrrp.

“Oh, he’s READY,” Sharon squealed.

“Turn him off!” I hissed.

“I can’t! He’s calibrating!”

“For WHAT?!”

“For PLEASURE, Susan.”

Obviously.

The Unfortunate Arrival of Mark

Of course, someone knocked.

Of course, it was Mark.

He smiled warmly. “Hey Sue, your heater’s…”

Roger chose that moment to reach full power.

Dan buzzed with maximum jealousy.

Sharon shrieked,
“ROGER, NO! NOT YOUR FIRST DAY!”

Mark stared into the living room at:

• Sharon wrestling a runaway vibrator

• Me frozen in mortification

• A box labelled DISCREET INTIMATE MASSAGER – XXX EDITION

• Motorised chaos everywhere

He made a strangled noise.

Sharon waved brightly.
“Oh, hello, handsome! Want to meet Roger?!”

Roger’s Escape

Sharon accidentally pressed something.

Roger launched out of her hands like a deranged deep-sea torpedo.

It shot across my sofa.
Bounced off a cushion.
Ricocheted off the window.
Hit Mark in the shin.

He yelped.
Sharon screamed.
Dan shrieked in solidarity.
I considered booking a flight to Peru.

Roger skittered under the coffee table, humming like an approaching boss battle.

“GET HIM!” Sharon shouted.

“He’s not a cat!” I yelled back.

But she dropped to her knees and reached under the table like she was rescuing a trapped hamster.

And Then… Neighbourhood Scandal

Right then… because fate is cruel… Mrs. Crumble marched in without knocking.

“Susan,” she snapped. “I can hear BZZZ-BZZZ-BZZZ through my radiator again and…”

Then she saw it.

• Sharon on all fours

• Mark traumatised

• Roger vibrating like a possessed pogo stick

• Dan pouting loudly

• Me, contemplating divine intervention

Mrs. Crumble gasped like she’d seen Lucifer naked. I thought she was going to swallow her dentures.

“What in GOD’S NAME is this?!”

Sharon lifted her head cheerfully.
“Oh, relax, Mabel. It’s just Roger.”

“ROGER?!” Mrs. Crumble shrieked.

“Yes!” Sharon grinned. “He’s my new vibrator!”

Mrs. Crumble clutched her pearls so violently I thought she’d snap the string.

“This building is a respectable establishment!”

Roger chose that exact moment to shoot across the floor again, buzzing between her ankles like a randy Roomba.

Mrs. Crumble squealed and leapt into the air.

I swear she reached orbit.

“I’M CALLING THE COUNCIL!” she screamed and staggered out.

Aftermath in a War Zone

Sharon finally captured Roger, cradling him like a distressed woodland creature.

Mark sat on the edge of the sofa, completely dazed.

“Does this happen… um… often?” he asked softly.

“No,” I sighed. “This is just a Tuesday.”

Roger beeped.
Dan hummed moodily.
Sharon kissed the top of Roger like she’d adopted him.

I looked around.

Tea is long forgotten.
Sanity questionable.
Vibrations are still echoing in the atmosphere.

And I realised… my life attracts chaos and gossip on a level words just aren’t equipped for.

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