Sue’s Isolation

Written 11/4/2020

I have just a pair of white panties on as I sit trying to catch a few rays of sunshine in my garden and out of the blue, I feel compelled to write and get this off my chest, here goes.

lockdown

As I sit here in my lockdown, I can hear the birds singing and children’s laughter filtering in from across the way, with the odd scream thrown in for good measure.

Traffic seems, to still be wizzing by but, the birds continue to chirp and sing and it’s a competition of who can be the loudest, the traffic or the birds.

A slight welcomed breeze now meets me and it looks like I’m in a snow storm as the spring blossom gently tumbles to the ground.

Voices from people walking by fill my surroundings as more petals fall from the trees and then a huge bumblebee buzzers towards me,  causing me to duck, just in case it’s sonar isn’t working.

Boy races are out in force with their music pumping out as they roar past my house and I tell myself, with all this going on around me, why is it I feel so alone.

Humans are not built to be isolated and we are not very good at it especially when we are not able to socially interact with others. Thats why we still feel lonely I guess, when so much is going on around us.

I have felt my Angina play havoc, kicking in with vengeance at times and when I least expect it, just to remind me that it’s still there.

I have watched as the roots of my hair needs colour, the ends become split and in need of a trim. I’ve felt the pain of my false nails breaking as they take my real nails with them (bloody painful) while doing odd jobs because there is nowhere open to get them removed.

I keep telling myself, it’s for the greater good, to save lives and yes we all want to do that but, like so many of you, isolation it’s easy and not great for your psyche. Especially, when you live completely by yourself  and watching  your business fall to its knees. Having experienced loosing everything you worked so hard for once before and all the pain and grievance that goes hand in hand with it, I really do not want to go there again.

There is no one to lean on or tell you “we will get through this” and give you a much needed hug when your mind has surrendered to doom and gloom of what is to come, it’s real and it’s tuff.

It’s becomes harder and harder to self motivate, I keep staring at a basket full of ironing that grow daily but, I tell myself, there’s no rush, I have lot’s of tomorrows.

My routine has abandoned me and I can’t remember if I took my daily tablet this morning, oh well I better take it now, better to take 2 than none, I think in my hast to swallow the tablet. Then panic as I wait to feel the effects of what might be, if I’ve taken 2.

Occasionally as a treat I will put my lippy on and run the gauntlet of a supermarket, (keeping the 2m rule with face mask firmly in Situ) thinking, I will make myself something nice for tea later. Later never comes and my will has diminished by the time I’ve returned home.

I look around and there are plenty of little jobs I could do to fill my time but my desire has left me for now as my brain continues to self isolate from myself.

The first 2 weeks of isolation weren’t too bad, I Potted around doing lots of little jobs and filling my time but, the last 3/4 days have taken their toll. It’s one thing to live by yourself and enjoy your own company but something else completely when you are told to stay at home and watch your demise.

You feel helpless to improve your situation, you watch as your income is depleted beyond comprehension because your bills still roll in day by day. Somehow I get through the day only to repeat the same tomorrow, sarcastically, “another day in paradise” but, I’m still alive.

Then my thoughts turn to “what if”, what if I contract the virus, will my family understand how much they have meant to me, how they have been my purpose in life. I won’t get a chance to tell them if I’m taken ill so, I decide to write each one of them a letter and put it away just in case that day comes knocking.

I know and understand how this virus has ravaged so many lives and my deepest respect and sympathy goes out to each and everyone of you who have lost someone dear. It must be devastating But, this virus doesn’t just take your loved ones it destroys us all in different ways…

Thank you to all the frontline people from the NHS staff who stare in the face of death daily trying to save lives, through to the bin men who risk their lives just to collect our rubbish and keep the country trickling along. It’s all for people like me and you all over the Uk. THANK YOU! Please try to stay safe.

Hopefully one day soon, we will kick the viruses arse so, we can all see our loved ones and start to rebuild our lives again.

I hope you are all doing better than me at this lockdown and hopefully see you all on the other side!

Take care of you and yours,

Sue x

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